Flowers? Chocolates? A romantic dinner complete with candlelight and medium-rare beef? Oh no, not us. We will be hanging out at the brand new Circuit City store in Keizer. Yes, Keizer, Oregon. Iris and I. On Valentine's Day. From 5-7pm.

First, let me explain to you my complete loathing of the holiday itself. My family owns a flower shop and for the last 8 years, my life has revolved around thorny, long-stemmed Ecuadorian roses, hundreds of buckets of fresh flowers and a small shop full of over-caffeinated women, bumping asses and answering phones. This is Valentine's hell.

Not only is our shop the size of a postage stamp, but I'm forced to work in this confined space with my mother and sisters. Now, I love (more like tolerate) them half of the time, but during hell week, I'd rather stick hot needles in my eyes than help out.  I do because it's my family duty, but I usually do it with such a sarcastic and foul attitude, I'm sure April (big sister) just wishes I'd leave. Or shut the hell up.

There are three kinds of men in this world: the kind that walk into the shop and order a dozen red roses to be delivered on Valentine's Day and don't care what the cost is. There's also the kind who order a dozen red roses and then pass out when they hear the price. When they wake up, they are usually cursing at us as they back out of the shop and run to the 7-11 next door to purchase the lovely plastic rose- the one with the fake dew drops to make it appear more real.

And then there's the kind of guy who sends flowers to his girlfriend AND his wife. He usually uses the same credit card (huge mistake), nudges us and winks, assured we'll keep his secret. Never a year goes by without some poor woman calling our shop and asking about the flower charge she just found on their joint checking account bank statement! Come on guys! Really?

We always love the stalker calls too. Never a year goes by without some poor woman calling our shop and asking about the anonymous flowers she just received. "I have a stalker and I really need to know if he sent these because I need to notify the police immediately." If you want to know how we answer these calls, I guess you'll have to try it out yourself. It's a top floral business secret, that and the 300 percent mark-up. Suckers!

I digress.

So, Iris and I will be chillin' at the brand new Circuit City in Keizer, Oregon. When the sales rep initially told me about the appearance, I just sat at my desk and blinked. "The 14th? Of February?"

Him- "Yes."

Me- "Of February? The 14th?"

Him- "Yes."

Typical man, he didn't correlate the importance of the date. He's thinking "Grand Opening Sale," and I'm thinking, "It's effing Valentine's Day, you fool!" I begged him to double check with the client and see if we could change the appearance date to, say, Friday? Nope. Firm. Grand Opening Sale and wouldn't it be cool if Iris was there, too? Fat chance, I thought. But then I saw my chance and told her if she'd do it, I'd do it. My quality time with Iris! Mine! SHE"S MINE!

What says romantic Valentine's Day like a visit to a new electronics super store? Not only will you be able to "register for great giveaways and win prizes like a Monster A-V Home theater controller, Viva Pinata xBox 360 game and more, but ex Oregon and San Diego quarterback Dan Fouts will be there too! There’s excitement throughout the store!"

Excitement throughout the store?? I'm excited just thinking about it! The visiting quarterback just put me over the edge. Flocks of people will be rushing to the store for these Valentine's specials! I hope they have us set up outside, in the blowing wind and cold rain. 

I shall only have eyes for Iris. I will bring candles and flowers and her favorite chocolates. I may just lean in for a kiss before the event ends at 7pm.

I would like for you all to join us, but keep in mind that Iris is my date, not yours.

If you would like to date me, please email alinford@entercom.com